


A Very Weird Christmas Adventure

by coffeegleek



Series: A Very Hallmark Christmas [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: Actor Blaine Anderson, Actor Kurt Hummel, Alternate Universe, Bad Boy Kurt, Crack Treated Seriously, First Son Kurt Hummel, Fluff and Crack, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Politician Burt Hummel, President Burt Hummel, Prince Blaine Anderson, Skank Kurt Hummel, all the Hallmark Christmas movie tropes and glee fic tropes I can fit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:20:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21854392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeegleek/pseuds/coffeegleek
Summary: Summary: A crack fic of fun and all the tropes that continues after A Very Hallmark Christmas. You don't have to have read the original fic, but it helps.AN: I have a lot of notes and some things plotted out. This is very much a WIP and will hopefully be finished before next year’s Klaine Advent.Jan 20, 2020: This fic is on temporary hiatus while I deal with the 2nd emergency home repair this month. While I would love to be able to say I can write during resting time, I can't guarantee it. I promise, it will get finished and I do know the entire plot. :)
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Series: A Very Hallmark Christmas [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1517024
Comments: 13
Kudos: 15
Collections: Klaine Advent 2019





	1. Waking Up is Weird to Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Advent Word: Achievement  
>  Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Hallmark Movie AU

\----

Kurt woke up with a blazing headache not helped by the sunlight pouring in through the window nor the repeated shouts of his dad.

“Kurt! Kurt! I need you to go get a tow. Come on, Buddy. I know it’s your vacation, but you promised you’d help.”

Vacation? His dad? He must either still be drunk or this was the worst hangover he’d ever had. The last thing he remembered was being over at Santana and Brittany’s place with Blaine brainstorming ideas for Brittany’s next Hallmark Christmas movie. There had been darts and a massive bulletin board covered in tropes along with a large amount of booze and very little food. An entire day and night and the best they’d come up with was lonely lumberjack tree farm owner meeting a prince in disguise and showing him the true meaning of Christmas. And not just the Christmas in his pants.

Kurt was grateful that he’d taken up the habit of always keeping a bottle of water on his nightstand. He took a long sip from it and rubbed at his face. Something was off and it wasn’t just the awful taste in his mouth, nor the annoying, but once-familiar pinching sensation on his nose and eyebrow. 

His dad hollered for him again, and he replied only to get the sound parental nagging to stop adding to his headache. “Coming, Dad! Just give me a minute.”

Kurt took another drink of water and tried not to spit it out as his eyes finally registered his surroundings. This wasn’t his bedroom. Not his current one and yet not quite his teenage bedroom either. The posters on the walls were familiar, but different in odd ways. “Wicked” was “Wickedness in Oz,” the classically styled "Breakfast at Tiffany's" poster still starred Audrey Hepburn but was called "Meet Me at Macy’s," and when did the Dalton Academy Warblers do a world tour and become a K-Pop boy band? A punk band made up of old people who were called The Hipsters was the most bizarre poster of the lot. 

For some reason the padded chair in front of his vanity was covered in a throw blanket with the Presidential seal. His thick bedspread wasn’t burgundy, but royal blue. He remembered debating between the two colors when he was a teenager, as to which would look best with the cream colored walls. The walls that had almost been Dior Grey before he decided that since he wore enough grey as a shield, he didn’t need it in his room where he was free to be his true self.

“Kurt! I’ve got a conference call with Queen Sylvester in five minutes. Otherwise I’d take the tow myself.”

Kurt rubbed at his face again, not ready to unpack that oddity. The fact that he was wearing navy lounge pants with the Presidential seal that matched the throw blanket was odd enough. At least his Hummel Tires & Lube T-shirt was familiar and comforting.

“Coming, Dad!” 

There was clearly no way out of this and the only possible path to take was forward. He removed the first random bits of clothing out of his bureau and pulled them on - a pair of camouflage cargo pants and a soft grey hoodie whose red logo was a crest with the words “McKinley Academy” and “Excellence” and something else in Latin that he was in no condition to try and translate. Thankfully, he was the kind of person who slept in socks because one glance in the mirror made him want to get the hell out of this odd room and wake up from the weirdest dream ever. His face had the same nose ring and eyebrow piercing as he had in high school, only one tug made it clear these weren’t fake. His hair was dyed too, green instead of the blue he’d favored back then. At least it wasn’t pink. He had never been a fan of pink.

As he stumbled his way down the stairs and towards what he hoped was the kitchen equipped with a coffee maker, things got weirder. The house was a lot larger than the one he’d grown up in and the one he and his dad had moved into when Carole and Finn became part of the family. Family pictures on the wall by the stairs was normal, but these were off just like the posters in his bedroom. They were more formal, the clothes nicer, and one looked like it was taken in front of the White House. He really hoped there was coffee ready in the kitchen. There was no way he could drive without coffee, let alone continue to deal with the effects of the worst hangover he’d ever had. It was an achievement that he could even walk in a semi-straight line without puking his guts out.

And so was not passing out from the shock of seeing his dad sitting at the kitchen table wearing not just a navy baseball cap with the seal of the President of the United States on it, but a navy flannel shirt over a white T-shirt, both bearing the same embroidered patch as the hat. The jeans at least were normal. Will Schuester sitting beside him and crouched over a laptop and saying, “Mister President, we’ll have you set up with the Queen in just a moment” was not.

“Hey, Bud. I already made a travel mug of coffee for you. The guy on the phone said his SUV got stuck just past the Johnson’s farm on Route 150. I really appreciate this, Kid. I know you wanted to go hang out with your skanky friends…”

Kurt’s response was automatic. “Skanks. They’re called the Skanks.”

“Skanks then. If this call wasn’t important and scheduled weeks ago, I’d take the tow myself.”

“Um, sure, Dad. Where was it again?”

“You know of any other farm on this section of Route 150? The guy says he thinks he’s driving a New Directions Journey.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t forget your security detail and don’t ditch them this time. Noah and Sam almost got fired the last time you did. I’m serious here, Kurt.”

“My what?” Kurt watched as his dad rubbed his eyes and sighed in frustration.

“Kid, please don’t fight me on this. I know you hate it and thought that you wouldn’t need any when we were back home in what you love callin’ 'the middle of Nowhere, Ohio,' but you still need protection. I won’t be president forever and just want you safe, Son.”

Kurt wanted to ask a million questions, but Schuester’s, “Mister President, we’re ready when you are,” made him give a simple, “Okay,” take the travel mug, and leave the room. He found the keys to the tow truck and his winter boots and coat by the door. What he didn’t have was his phone, nor did he feel like searching his not-bedroom for it. If the roads were the same in this hangover reality as they were in the real one, the SUV wouldn’t be too hard to find.

As Kurt got into the truck, he swore he heard the words, “Porcelain is on the move.” Turning his head, he saw Sam and Puck. Only they weren’t the Sam and Puck he knew. These guys looked more serious and were dressed in what could only be described as regulation government wear from their not-appropriate-for-snow dress shoes and pressed slacks to their black wool coats and earpieces. Puck didn’t have his trademark Mohawk either. Instead his hair was styled in a short buzz cut. Sam’s own hair was a bit longer than that, but not by much.

He put the keys in the ignition, took a long sip of coffee, and prayed to the gods of hangovers that if he drove far enough, he’d get out of this weird as fuck world.


	2. My Kingdom for a Beer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More tropey, cracky fun. 
> 
> Advent Word: Beer  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Cookies

\----

Kurt drove down the long, gently curved driveway, away from the not-quite-his-house and tried to appear normal to the armed guards at the end of it. He channeled his years of expensive actor’s training into a natural smile and casual, “Just heading out to pick up a tow on Route 150,” to the guard manning the booth. Either the guard believed him or it didn’t matter since Not Sam and Not Puck were in their black sedan right behind him, chatting to another guard. When the gates to what Kurt decided to call The Presidential Compound, were opened, he drove through and continued on, letting out a small sigh of relief. 

He found Route 150 easy enough. This at least was the same. He was ready to drive past the SUV he was supposed to pick up and find out if the road would lead to his own reality when he recognized the gell-haired man standing beside it. The tires skidded a bit as he slammed on the brakes and came to a halt. 

“Please be my Blaine. Please be my Blaine.” ran on a loop inside his head as he got out of the tow truck and walked over to man he’d been dating for the past two years and in love with since the day they’d met on the set of the very first Hallmark Christmas movie they’d filmed together. He had been a store clerk in a bakery that specialized in holiday cookies and had six lines; four of which had been cut in the end. Blaine had played the lead actor’s brother. Kurt really hoped that this Blaine would know all of that. As with the guards, he called upon his training in case this wasn’t his Blaine, and put on a friendly smile. “Hi, I heard you needed a tow?”

“Kurt?”

“That’s me.”

Blaine let out a sigh of relief that the tow truck driver who looked like his boyfriend, but with differences, was indeed him. “Oh, thank god. I woke up on the side of the road and couldn’t get out of the ditch. I don’t own a New Directions Journey though and the registration says it’s a rental and the touch screen still worked, so I pressed the emergency service button which called your dad’s garage I guess, and…” Blaine stopped his rambling and smiled at the two other familiar men who had approached him. “Puck! Sam!”

“Sir, I’d prefer it if you called me Agent Puckerman. This is Agent Evans.”

“Of course. Sorry.” Blaine’s face dropped. It was clear the men weren’t Puck and Sam. Maybe he had a concussion from the crash or was in a coma and this was all a dream. The guy who looked like Sam bowed and started talking.

“Your Highness, we didn’t realize it was it was you who had been incapacitated. If you had called, we would have sent out an escort. Do you have your own security detail with you? We can coordinate with them.”

“Oh. Sorry. And no, it’s just me.”

The way Blaine was looking wildly around was reassuring to Kurt. Just as he was about to talk to him, Not Sam started speaking into his earpiece again and Not Puck began rifling through the SUV, pulling out a duffel bag from the trunk and searching the contents inside of it.

“Commander Zizes, tell Schuester that His Royal Highness Crown Prince Blaine of Anderson is on his way.” His new orders received, Agent Evans turned back to his new charge. “Your Highness, if you’ll come with us, we can drive you to the estate.”

Prince? He was definitely dreaming and decided to just go with it. Kurt looked the most harmless of three men and didn’t appear armed like the agents. “Do you mind if I ride with Kurt?”

“As you wish, Your Highness.” Sam gave a short bow before turning back to his earpiece. “Traveler is with Porcelain. As soon as his vehicle is secured we’ll head back.” 

Tow jobs, Kurt knew. He’d been helping his dad with them long before he had a legal driver’s license. “It won’t take long. Your Highness, if you could just wait by the agents, I’ll get your SUV hooked up and we can be on our way.” 

Kurt was sad at the way Blaine’s face fell, but there was no way he was going to let armed Secret Service Puck and Sam know he wasn’t who they thought he was. He pulled the tow truck around, put the SUV into neutral, and snuck a glance into the glove box. The registration confirmed that the Journey was a rental as Blaine had said, giving no indication as to whether or not he was indeed His Blaine. After the vehicles were tethered together, it didn’t take more than twenty minutes before the stranded SUV was freed from the icy ditch. The right front tire was at a weird angle though. 

“I’m going to have to tow it back. It’s not safe to drive.” Kurt’s comment caused a quick flurry of conversation between Puck and an unheard voice.

“The President wants you to return to the house. He says he’ll check out the prince’s vehicle there.”

“No problem. Prince Blaine, if you could retrieve your belongings from the rental and hop into the front of the truck, we can be on our way.”

“My belongings! Right, because I’ve been traveling. Of course.”

Kurt fought not to laugh at Blaine’s comically wide eyes and clumsy haste to retrieve the duffel bag that Puck had deemed safe and returned to the trunk of the vehicle. His worries were lessening by the minute. The accent bothered him though. He didn’t know if it was this Blaine’s natural one or if Real Blaine had started affecting it when he’d been called Your Highness. Real Sam loved doing impressions and had rubbed off on Blaine. Either was a possibility. 

Finally, finally alone in the tow truck and slowly driving back the way he’d come, Kurt turned to the man in the passenger seat. “Please tell me you’re my Blaine.”

“That depends upon if you’re my Kurt. You look different.”

“I look like I did in high school.”

“Not from what I remember.”

The statement caused Kurt to pause and come up with a line of questions different than the ones he had planned on asking. “What color was the front of my hair?”

“Blue and sometimes you dyed all of it, not just your bangs.”

“Where did I work?”

“The Lima Bean and your dad’s tire shop.”

“Where do I work now?”

“I’d rather not say. It makes you upset.” Blaine shifted in his seat and stared out the window for a moment. It actually made Kurt depressed, and if this wasn’t his Kurt, it wouldn’t matter either way. He decided to ask his own questions. “Where did I go to school?”

“Dalton Academy in Westerville, Ohio. You were in the Warblers before they were a K-Pop boy band.”

“The Warblers were never a K-Pop group.”

Kurt rolled his eyes and let out a laughing and wistful, “Boy are you in for a surprise.” He needed to be absolutely sure about this guy and so pressed on. “Are you a top or bottom?”

“That’s a rather personal question.”

“And I’m a person who’s asking. Please, Blaine.”

Blaine rubbed at his eyes, only choosing to answer because of the desperation in the Maybe His Kurt’s voice. “I prefer to bottom and you like to top, but neither of us mind switching. When we do, you prefer to straddle me. It makes you feel less vulnerable and more in control.”

“It does. Anything else only you would know about me?”

“Well, I doubt I’m the only one who knows, but…”

“Say it.”

“You have a small birthmark near the tip of your…” Blaine couldn’t help but whisper the next part. “Penis. I call it your Sweet Spot and you like it when I kiss it.”

Kurt couldn’t help but let out a squeal and bounce in his seat. “Oh, thank god, you are my Blaine! If there weren’t Secret Service agents following us, I’d pull over right now and kiss all of your sweet spots.”

“Which ones?”

“I’d start with the one on your upper back and work my way down to the one on the bottom curve of your ass and the other on your ankle which you say tickles when I kiss it.”

Blaine felt relief flooding through him and pool in his dick. “Kurt, it really is you.”

“I thought you knowing about the birthmark on my dick was the giveaway.”

“Twins, clones, doppelgangers, whatever Sam and Puck are, bodies can be the same. It was the look in your eyes when I talked about how we make love that sold me.” 

Kurt wanted to look at His Blaine, the man he loved every part of, longer, but the road was icy, he was dragging a multi-ton vehicle, and there was a car filled with government agents following him. “I had to be sure. I mean, you are talking in a nondescript English accent.”

“I am?”

“You can’t hear it?”

“Not really.” Blaine wanted to ask more about his newfound dialect and see if ‘wanker’ and ‘bullocks’ would come naturally if he tried to curse, but there were more important matters. “Do you know where we are?”

“Aside from Bizarro Lima where my dad is President of the United States and you’re a prince of some kind? No.” An idea came to Kurt, “See if you have a wallet and if there’s anything in your duffel bag.

“I don’t know why I didn’t think to look before.” Blaine reached into the bag, pulled out a thin billfold and passport, and opened both. “Well, it seems as though I’m the crown prince of some place called Europa.”

“Europa? Isn’t that one of Jupiter’s moons?”

“You know astronomy?”

“Science was one of the few classes I didn’t skip. And the astronomy room was known as the hook up room, so Brittany and I would go in there and pretend to make out while she told me about Lord Tubbington’s latest predictions for the end of the world.”

“Did he ever predict this?”

“Not that I can remember.” Another thought hit Kurt. It was crazy, but not any more so than what had already happened to them. “Maybe Europa isn’t a country, but really is a moon. Maybe you’re an alien. I read this story once where one of the guys had tentacles. At first it seemed like a weird plot idea, but with tentacles more things could be touched at once and it was kind of hot. I wouldn’t mind if you had tentacles.”

“I’m not an alien.”

“Are you sure? Did you check? They’re usually hidden inside flaps on the sides of the torso or back.”

Blaine batted Kurt’s hand away that was trying to grope him under his coat. “I’m sure and you need to stop going on Tumblr.”

“It was AO3 and Santana showed them...it, only it, to me. Anything else you can gather from your belongings?”

“I’m eighteen.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m not a prince either and yet this driver’s license says I am. Give me yours.”

“I didn’t think to bring it. All I know is that my dad is President of the United States, I’m still hanging out with the Skanks, so I guess I’m still in high school, Sue Sylvester is a queen, and Schuester is some kind of aid or adviser to my dad. And you already met my security detail, agents Evans and Puckerman. I made the mistake of calling them Sam and Puck too. It did not go over well.”

“Queen of what country?”

“What?”

“You said Sue was a queen. I”m curious as to where.”

For the millionth time that morning, Kurt sighed and wished he had more coffee. “I didn’t think to ask. I woke up, went downstairs to stop my dad hollering about wanting me to do a tow job, and discovered that he isn’t a congressman anymore, but the freaking president which makes me the First Son. Which is actually kind of cool in a way.”

“We should find out where. I really hope Sue’s not my mom.” The very idea made Blaine cringe. Sue Sylvester was bad enough as a director. To have her as a mother and a monarch? Nothing good could come out of that combination.

Kurt fought for control of the truck as he made the turn off of Route 150. “Don’t jinx it, Blaine! We’re in enough trouble as it is.”

Blaine tugged his seat belt tighter. He was going to die in this weird world if they kept up this conversation. He was still on the side that it was a fevered concussion dream. Either way, he knew what he wanted right now. “I need a beer.”

“I think beer after the vodka ran out is what got us into this mess.”

“What do you suggest?”

“We go back to Not Really My Place, make some warm milk, eat all the cookies, and then go to sleep and hope we wake up where we belong.”

“And if that doesn’t work?”

Kurt slowed down as he approached the guarded gate that would lead them back to the house. Blaine looked just as dejected as he felt. “Then we’ll find some beer and eat more cookies.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.”


	3. Fuck Canada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry. My brain is weird. I took an idea that I thought was funny and ran with it. This was not how the chapter was supposed to turn out. At least it’s a short one. Also, I personally love Canada.
> 
> Advent Word: Creed  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Christmas Tree

\----

Kurt sat on top of the bed in his Not Room and stared in horror at his driver’s license. “What the hell? I’m sixteen? This damn thing says I’m sixteen! This can’t be happening.”

Blaine took the item from him and studied it. “You’re almost seventeen.”

“Not helping, Blaine. If we end up stuck here, I’m going to have to go through the rest of high school and college all over again. Do you know how grueling the audition process was to get into NYADA?”

“There might not be a NYADA. And your dad is president. That has to hold some weight.”

“Yeah, if I wanted to major in political science. Which I don’t.” Kurt was stopped from ranting more by a knock on the door and said door opening before he could give the okay for the person to come in. He wasn’t sure how to react to discover that it was his stepbrother Finn.

“Hey, could you guys keep it down? Dad’s on the phone with King Saint James and the last thing we need is another war with Canada.”

“We were at war with Canada?” Shock. That’s apparently how his already overwhelmed brain was going to react to the latest bit of alternate reality, hangover, Blaine thinks he’s in a coma with a concussion information. 

“That’s not funny, Kurt! You know my first dad died in the Battle of Squamish. And you know our family creed.”

This thing Kurt knew. His dad had been comforting him with it for as long as he could remember. “No one brings the Hummels down.”

“It’s Fuck the Canuks. Fuck them and their moose humping, beaver ball sucking, poutine eating, girlfriend stealing ways. We already had to change the name of our Vancouver and give up filming rights. New York Amsterdam has better film crews and actors than Toronto anyway.” 

Kurt didn’t know what to say to that except, “I’m really sorry, Finn. That was stupid of me. Mistake won’t happen again.”

“Good.”

“Did you need anything else?”

“Mom wants us to help decorate the Christmas tree. Then we’re going to take some pictures to release to the press and put up on the White House website. You’re invited too, Prince Blaine. Unity among our countries or something like that. Unlike your sister. Not offense to you. You’re cool, Dude and I’m glad you’re Kurt’s boyfriend.”

Sister? He didn't have a sister. Blaine did the only thing he could in the moment. Smiling, he replied, “Thank you.”

“Oh, Kurt, Mom says to wear something nice. Nothing ripped.”

Kurt smiled at his brother. “I understand. Blaine and I will be down in a couple of minutes.”

“Cool.”

Kurt waited until until he was sure Finn had walked away, thankful for the big guy’s lumbering footsteps. His Secret Service agents were quieter, but as they didn’t follow him upstairs to his bedroom when he’d gotten home from towing Blaine’s rental car, he had no reason to believe they’d be there now. Plus, he didn’t really have many options. “Blaine, turn on the laptop. I’m going to hope this reality’s Kurt isn’t a complete slacker and brought home a history textbook... or five.”


	4. Family Time & The Great Canadian Film War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not the chapter I had originally written, but it is the chapter the story needed. There was more I wanted to establish before the plot got further along. Plus, Carole. This story needed Carole.
> 
> Advent Word: Date  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Snow

\----

There was something great to be said about being sixteen and home again. Kurt had missed being around his family, decorating the Christmas tree, and enjoying many of the same Hummel-Hudson traditions he hadn’t had a chance to partake in for years. The fact that his Not Dad was President of the United States hadn’t changed much of them. The tree was a little fuller and nicer, the living room it was in was certainly larger, and Tina Cohen-Chang, the official press secretary, was taking pictures of the festivities, but overall it was the same. There was laughter, reminiscing over favorite ornaments both store bought and handmade, short lived and lighthearted squabbles over which should go where, and a lot of love. A whole lot of love and a lot of hugs to go with it.

Kurt was happy to discover that his Carole Mom, as it seemed he called her in this universe, was much the same as the one he knew. She was warm and caring, treated him as a son the same as she did Finn, and poured the same mothering onto Blaine. The one notable difference was that when handed a “World’s Best Nurse” mug of cocoa by Tina, as part of the official “casual” photos, she had sighed. Her sad whisper was soft and clearly not meant to be overhead. “If only I had been named Karen or Linda I could have been an office manager. I never wanted to be a nurse, but that’s what Caroles do. At least I get to be a First Lady too now. So that’s nice.”

Blaine was loving being around Kurt’s alternate family. He’d gotten a taste of it the December “A Soulmate for Santa Claus” had aired, but this was more than Kurt’s Carole and Burt had done then. All of it was far different than the Christmases he’d grown up with. His parents had been very stoic and formal, hiring professional decorators who made certain that every last detail was perfect. Every gold and silver ornament in place on the tree, every sweater, tie, and hair in place for the annual family portrait. The Andersons were more about how they appeared to others rather than being close and enjoying each other’s company. 

In this universe, snow was falling softly outside the windows. There was talk of building a snowman and having a snowball fight later, and the date nut cookies were amazing. Carole and Not His Kurt had baked them the day before he and Real Kurt were thrust into this alternate reality coma dream world. There was cocoa with mini marshmallows, eggnog to tease Kurt about never being able to escape from, singing Christmas carols with lyrics almost identical to the ones he knew, a roaring fireplace, and all the love and hugs and warmth to soak in. 

Blaine couldn’t deny that it was also fun being referred to as Your Highness and Prince Blaine. He’d always lost out to those Hallmark Christmas movie roles to his brother. The only downside was that there wasn’t a script and he was afraid to say something wrong. 

After Finn had left Kurt’s bedroom, there hadn’t been time to do more than look up Canada in the history textbook they’d found in a knapsack shoved under the bed along with a small stash of porn and muscle magazines. According to the textbook, the Battle of Squamish had been long, hot, and bloody. It had started with Canadian film crews talking up arms against those from the United States, each swearing that they had gained exclusive permission to film Christmas movies in that town that summer season. Weapons quickly turned from boom mics and prop candy canes to hockey sticks and ski poles. When the Mounties showed up, so did U.S. troops, and the Great Canadian Film War began. It spread to other popular filming locations - Canadian Vancouver, Toronto, Halifax, and Winnipeg. Niagara Falls only saw some minor skirmishes as that area had long been ceded to the local Indigenous Peoples and mostly only used for establishing aerial shots in the last half of the century. 

There hadn’t been time to read the entire entry as Carole had come up to the room and politely asked he and Kurt to hurry, and if she could help Kurt pick out a photo op friendly outfit. She had been kind about it, letting who she thought was her Kurt express himself within reasonable parameters that would compliment the outfits the others would wear. 

Blaine discovered that his duffel bag held a black blazer with his kingdom’s (queendom’s?) royal crest. A bow tie embroidered with little crowns was tucked inside the jacket along with a pale yellow dress shirts. The fabrics of all three items were completely wrinkle free and if circumstances had been different, textile technology in this universe would be another thing he would research with Kurt. 

After Carole had left he and Kurt quickly changed into their doppelgangers’ clothing and agreed to the plan of drawing upon all of their acting and improv training. They would smile often and offer more compliments than real conversation. There was so much they didn’t know about this alternate universe. The Secret Service agents seamed very real though and slip-ups could get them into far worse trouble than upsetting Finn. 

Fortunately, the evening had gone smoothly. Family time was had, pictures of The First Family and Europa’s Crown Prince Blaine of Anderson were taken, and the minor slip-ups were brushed off as Kurt sneaking Kahlua into his hot chocolate. Alternate universe or not, it had been the best family gathering he’d ever had and decided to call it a win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read or saw an interview with Romy Rosemont once where she was asked her thoughts on fandom assuming Carole was a nurse. She was taken aback and clearly had a different take on her character. I never found out what she had in mind for Carole’s profession. This has stuck with me for years and I love incorporating it into my fics including this one.


	5. Privacy? I Never Met Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of this was originally written for chapter 4, hence the repeating of the Advent and GBPP words. In other news, there’s finally some plot movement. :)
> 
> Advent Word: Emergency  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Presents

\----

Kurt didn’t know how a date with his boyfriend was going to go when they both had a Secret Service detail, but they needed to get out of the house for awhile and talk things over. Their first day in the alternate reality world had been hard and weird enough with far too many slip-ups and close calls. 

Privacy had been difficult to come by even though he and Blaine had been deemed old enough to sleep in the same bed together thanks to Carole whispering something to his dad about better to just cave instead of setting off an emergency security protocol in the middle of the night and piss off Zizes again. And then something else about being young and in love and separated by distance during the school year. 

Given their mental and physical exhaustion, neither had been in the mood to do much more research nor get frisky beyond a couple of goodnight kisses. Neither he nor Blaine had managed to find out where Europa was on a map and Google didn’t exist in this world. Kurt remained firm in the possibility that Blaine might be an alien. But with neither of them in the mood to get gropey, he hadn’t had a chance to explore his boyfriend's alternate reality body to search for hidden tentacles.

This morning he and Blaine had tried going outside to talk under the guise of wanting to have a snowball fight and build a snowman, but Finn had joined in. His brother had caught him staring at the structures on the roof of their house and placed in a pattern around the land that surrounded it. Apparently, it was newly installed listening equipment, spy detection, and a bunch of other stuff Finn wasn’t quite sure about. Kurt knew it made sense, what with his dad’s job and The Lima Estate being where the First Family preferred to spend their winter holidays. It didn’t make talking privately possible though.

Lucky for him, the Kurt he was supposed to be also loved shopping. The need for both himself and “Prince Blaine” to buy Christmas presents was a perfectly acceptable excuse to get out of the house. Which is how Kurt found himself and Blaine along with Agent Evans, Agent Puckerman, and the head agent in charge, Lauren Zizes, all strolling along Main Street, window shopping, and looking for a quiet place to eat lunch and talk. Or at least he and Blaine were strolling. Their guards were doing that glaring and watching every stranger thing Kurt had thought was only a stereotype used in movies and TV shows. Aside from the whole making it harder to talk thing, it was actually comforting. Kurt didn’t have to worry about bullies from his past hurting him all over again. Being the First Son definitely had its nice perks.

As they turned onto Holly Street, the last thing Kurt and Blaine expected to see was The Milk & Cookies Diner. Only in their world, it was a set on Stage 2 and used for the filming of “A Soulmate for Santa Claus.” Kurt wondered if this one would be as nice and if the menu would contain the same humorous dishes in French that described impossible sex acts between Santa Claus, the elves, and his reindeer. 

He and Blaine waited patiently outside for Agent Puckerman to inspect the interior of the diner before being allowed to enter. When they were being led by a waiter to a hastily cleared booth in the back, Kurt couldn’t help but look around, checking for overhead lights and scaffolding and a production crew. Instead there were only the typical fluorescent lights set in a simple drop ceiling adorned with red, gold, and green garland. The walls, tables, and even the staff uniforms were near identical to those of diner set. It was odd and yet comforting in its familiarity. 

Now seated across from each other and their security detail standing away at a respectable distance, Kurt felt like he could finally breathe. Blaine clearly felt the same and took his hand. It was then that their waitress came up to them, an unimpressed look upon her face.

“Oh, god, you two are just as disgusting in this reality. Let me make it easy for you. You really don’t want the plum pudding.”

Kurt knew he wasn’t the only one beaming at the woman’s sarcastic tone and words. “Santana!”


	6. Of Friends and Diners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wild Santana appears and the plot progresses.
> 
> Advent Word: Fist  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Sick

\----

Blaine bounced in his seat and repeated what Kurt had just exclaimed. “Santana! It’s really you!”

Santana sighed. Customers were just as annoying in this reality as her own. “That’s what the name tag says, Elf King.”

“I’m actually a prince here.”

“That explains the testosterone in suits.”

Kurt couldn’t help but feel a bit embarrassed at what he had to admit to his friend. “Most of them are for me. In wherever this is, my dad is President of the United States.”

Santana rolled her eyes. Her life seemed destined to always suck. “And here I am stuck to be a waitress forever. Move over, Gay and Unimportant.” Before she could sit down, a guy that was clearly not the Sam she knew blocked her way.

“Ma’am, if you could step back, please.”

“It’s okay, Agent Evans. She’s a friend.” Kurt begged Blaine with his eyes to help him out.

“I know her too. She’s a friend of the Crown of Europa.” Blaine was relieved that despite Sam looking skeptical, he backed away. 

Santana waited until the walking lips with a gun went back to his post and left them alone. “So what’s your deal? I came to in the damn walk-in fridge wearing this stupid get up and damn near broke my fist pounding on the door until someone let me out.”

“Don’t those things have safety locks?”

“Shut up, Little Lord Flaunt-a-gel.”

“You’re losing your touch, Satan.”

Santana glared Kurt and his boy toy. “Yeah, well, you would too if you had to live in this get up and sleep here overnight. The decorations alone are making me sick and I wasn’t kidding about the plum pudding.”

Kurt noticed something on the back of the menu laying on the table. “This says you own the place and I think you’re married to Brittany.”

“Let me see that.” Santana fought to keep her emotions from showing. No one needed to know she’d been too afraid to leave the diner and hadn’t bothered to do more than wait on customers, steal some money from the cash register, and eat her way through half the plum pudding. But that last part had been while she was waiting to be rescued so it didn’t count. She stared where Kurt was pointing and read it out loud. “Santana Lopez-Pierce, Proprietor, 15 Evergreen Avenue, Lima, OH.”

“That’s just around the corner.” 

“You got a GPS in that pretend prince brain of yours?”

“We passed it on the way over here.”

“Oh.”

Kurt glanced at his Secret Service detail and then took the menu back from Santana and opened it up. “I think we should order something before people start getting suspicious. Then maybe we could talk more and try to figure this out?”

At Blaine’s eager nod of agreement, it only took one look at the walking stereotypes for her to get with the program. Stupid wasn’t something anyone ever said about Santana Lopez. Not if they wanted to live, they didn’t. She got up from the table and took the menu from her friend. “I’ll bring you something edible. The reindeer burgers aren’t half bad.”

“I was hoping for a salad.”

“It’s your funeral, Blaine.”

Only after their friend and coworker had left did Kurt dare to lean over the table and whisper to his boyfriend. “If Santana called you by your first name, you know she’s scared.”

“And you aren’t?”

Kurt took Blaine’s hands in his own, wanting to erase the sad and worried expression on his face that he knew mirrored his own. “Oh, Honey, I’ve been scared since I got here. I hope her apartment has some answers.”

“Me too.” Blaine knew he needed to focus on something else in order to keep up the charade that he was the Prince of Europa and not some terrified actor in an alternate reality coma dream. He glanced at the other diners and the food sitting on their plates. Possible coma or not, he was pretty hungry. The more he stared at the food, the more the thought wouldn’t leave his head. “Do you really think the burgers are made from reindeer meat?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Not really. On the other hand? It would serve them right. Reindeer are jerks, Kurt.”

Kurt didn’t hold back the grin and burst of laughter that bubbled out of him. “And that’s how I know you’re my Blaine. I love you.”

“I love you too. We’re going to get through this.”

Kurt’s laughter turned into a forlorn sigh. He couldn’t help that either. “I hope so.”


	7. Bad Ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blaine can’t say Santana didn’t warn him. A short chapter because the next set of words fit the next part of the plot the best.
> 
> Advent Word: Ground  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Traditions

\----

Blaine laid down upon the stoop of the flower shop a few doors down from the Milk & Cookies Diner. He had tried to make it to the address printed on the back of the menu, but his poor body had other ideas. “I think the ground is going to be my new best friend.”

“I told you not to eat the plum pudding, Prince Pukey.” Santana rolled her eyes. This is what people got for not listening to her. Everyone had to learn their lessons the hard way. Idiots. 

“But it tasted so good!”

When Kurt started started rubbing his pocket Hobbit’s stomach, she wanted to blow chunks herself. Trying to fend that unpleasantness off, she decided to torment him some more. “That’s because I spiked it with a bottle of rum I found in the back of the walk-in fridge. I was bored, okay? This Lima is as lame as the real one and I wanted to liven things up a bit.” 

“Your dad is going to kill us, Kurt!”

Kurt pressed a kiss to Blaine’s forehead. He wasn’t feverish, so that was a good sign. “He’s not going to kill us. You’re a crown prince, remember?”

If his stomach full of churning death really was from booze, Blaine knew of only one surefire cure. “We need to go back to the diner. I want pancakes. Pancakes covered in maple syrup. That always makes me feel better.” 

Santana smacked Blaine upside the head, immediately regretting it given the goo that now covered her hand. The stupid Puck agent glaring at her was the least of her worries. “Will you shut up! Do you know what a Christmas tradition is here? They pour confiscated bottles of Canadian maple syrup out onto the snow and then set it on fire or some shit. It’s like the freakin’ Boston Tea Party. You wouldn’t believe what they call the American version here. Fucking freedom tree water. I about lost it on the grandma that asked for that. Should have gone all Lima Heights on her wrinkled ass.”

“Santana, be quiet!” Kurt glanced at his Secret Service detail. They were getting antsy and Zizes was talking into her earpiece, probably telling on him to his dad or Tina. The last thing they needed was a public incident. Even though she’d been fairly pleasant during the Christmas tree lighting, he had gotten the feeling that this Tina was as fierce as the real one. The second last thing the three of them needed was to get on her or Zize's bad side. “Blaine, Honey, let’s get going to Santana’s office or apartment or wherever that address leads us, okay? It’s just a little further along and then we can make your stomach all better.” He leaned closer to whisper in his boyfriend’s ear. “My bodyguards are getting suspicious. We need to get out of sight and out of earshot. Now.”

Blaine straightened up and tried to put on his best show face. He could do this. He had to do this. He’d once performed a whole winter at Kings Island with a never-ending case of the stomach flu that had mutated into the real flu. Walking half a block and not getting arrested by Agent Sam was surely easier than that. He whispered back to Kurt as softly as he could. “Okay, but when we get there, I’m going to puke my guts out.”


	8. The Meeting of Unicorns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new character appears.
> 
> Advent Word: Hiccup  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Secret Santa

\----

Kurt honestly couldn’t say if there was anything odd about the outside of 15 Evergreen Avenue. He couldn’t even say if it was a typical, brick-faced townhouse in Lima because he’d never spent much time downtown. It could have been in one of the towns Hallmark loved to film in such as Squamish, Vancouver, Fort Langley, or that town in Montana he always forgot the name of. It wasn’t like any he'd seen in New York City. He knew that much. The building was too clean. Only the street names and the diner were straight out of “A Soulmate for Santa Claus.” This place was all new to him.

With luck, Santana was able to find the right key to the front door on the first try, but then had to step aside. As with the diner, Kurt and Blaine had to wait until the Secret Service agents had checked out the interior. After a mumbled exchange inside, Zizes gave the all clear. 

“Do you mind waiting outside? I promise we won’t be long. It’s just...the Prince is a bit embarrassed at being sick and I promise not to ditch you.” 

“You do and I don’t care if you are the First Son, I’ll have Queen Sylvester convince your father to send you to the same boarding school she sends all of her misfit youths.”

Kurt didn’t need to understand exactly what all of that meant. The intention was crystal clear. He was just relieved that his on-the-spot excuses worked.

When at last the trio was allowed to enter what turned out to be a small, but well-kept and colorfully decorated apartment, Kurt felt like he could finally breathe freely. His sigh of relief turned to a squeal of joy as his favorite person in the world stepped into the living room. “Brittany!”

“Blue Unicorn! Dolphin! Santana! I’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

Kurt was thrilled that he didn’t have to tiptoe around his friend to make sure she was the one he knew versus the alternate reality one. The way Santana threw herself into Brittany’s arms and kissed her was all the proof he needed. That Brittany had called him the nickname she’d given him when they were teenagers helped too. 

Kurt was used to seeing his friends make out. He just wasn’t used to seeing them go at it while he was sober. He turned to his equally horrified boyfriend. “I think I’ll go make us some coffee.”

“I think I’ll go find the bathroom.”

When at last everyone had settled their immediate needs and regrouped, spread out on the living room couch and chairs, it was Brittany who lead the discussion. 

“Everybody looks too worried and scared. The solution is simple. We need to do a Secret Santa.”

“I don’t think drawing names from a hat and exchanging gifts is going to solve anything, Brittany.”

“Blaine, you’re not very smart for a pretend prince. We need to find Santa Claus. He’s the secret to all of this.”

Blaine felt the press of Kurt’s hand upon his knee and wisely kept quiet. Before they shot “A Soulmate for Santa Claus,” Kurt had told him that Brittany was a believer and she didn’t deserve to have that shattered for her. The more he’d gotten to know her, the more he’d agreed. Everyone needed some magic in their life.

“How do you suggest we find him, Brit Brit?” 

“Santana, you already know. We go to the mall of course.”

Kurt sighed and tilted his head towards the front door. “There’s a small hiccup to that plan. Stern Sam, No Fun Puck, and Scares Me Zizes are determined to follow Blaine and I everywhere.”

“They can come too. Santa doesn’t discriminate.”

“Do you know where we are, Brittany?”

Brittany kissed her girlfriend on the cheek. Santana worried too much. “Isn't it obvious?”

“Um, no.”

“That’s why I’m smarter than you, Blaine. I’m smarter than all of you. None of you would understand, but Santa will. Santa Claus knows everything.”

Knowing that was as clear of an answer as they were going to get, Kurt turned the group to figuring out the logistics of getting to the mall. He hoped that Tina wouldn’t want to turn it into another publicity stunt.


	9. A Not So Simple Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simple plan, my ass
> 
> Advent Word: Interrupt  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Caroling

\----

Tina turned the mall trip into a publicity stunt. She had called it, “A photo op to support local businesses and to help you keep your image as one of the people to the community you call home. You need to keep your poll numbers up, Mister President.” 

Clearly there were more downsides to being the president’s son than just having two guards following you around. Now there were at least twenty walking with Kurt, his friends, and his family, and more at every exit. If that wasn’t enough of an interruption to his plans, the camera crews, reporters, his brother, his brother’s personal agents, his step-mom, her agents, his dad, and the multiple agents assigned to surround him, and half of Lima, OH gawking at them and taking videos with their phones as they tried to stroll casually through the mall. Kurt had to fight to keep a smile plastered to his face. He hated Lima on a good day and this was anything but a good day. 

When the group finally reached the mall Santa, the agents insisted on taking the guy behind the elf shed and frisking him, much to the horror of the children standing in line. Kurt waited along with Blaine, Santana, and Brittany, but didn’t dare approach the guy. Alternate universe or not, this was still Lima, Ohio and he didn’t need more homophobic slurs thrown at him in addition to the other anonymous ones shouted as they walked through the mall. Instead, he stepped to the side with Blaine and waited patiently for Santana and Brittany when it was their turn. Each young woman took one of Santa’s knees; the guy looking way too happy about it.

Brittany started to cry. Everything was going wrong. “You’re not the real Santa. We need to see the real one. It’s important.”

“Hey, Kid, I don’t know what game you’re playing, but this better not end up on TMZ.”

Santana was pissed. No one made her girlfriend cry. “Listen up, Boozy. Given the state of your breath, I’m going to bet that you often have to call out sick in order to sleep off a bender. So either tell us when the other Santas work or I’m going to tell those Secret Service agents over there that you made a threat against the president, and you can spend the next twenty five to thirty years playing Barbie to your cellmate Ken. Also, if you don’t get your hand off my ass, Ken will be the least of your problems.”

“Geesh! Fine. He usually works Thursdays and Saturdays. Sometimes more.”

“If you’re lying…” Santana let the threat hang in the air.

“I get it!”

“Make sure you tell Santa we’ll be back as soon as we can.” Brittany didn’t trust the fake Santa, but there wasn’t anything she could do about it. Kurt was looking super worried. That she could do something about. She wiped away her tears and smiled for the cameras. President Burt needed all the help he could get in the next election. The other Burt had always been nice to her and helping him would help Kurt too. Smiling was free and got them candy canes. It was a total win win situation.

There was only a minute for the four of them to whisper together before Tina and the Secret Service agents whisked them away.

Kurt went first. “So what’s the verdict?”

“We have to come back.”

“That’s not going to be easy.”

“It is what it is, Prince Curly.” Santana laughed when her insult made Blaine check his hair. He was so easy it was pathetic.

“What’s next?”

Brittany took Kurt’s arm in one hand and Santana’s in the other. “We go to see the mall carolers of course! It’s in the song, ‘Here we go a caroling among the trees of green!’ Most of the mall Christmas trees are fake, but they still count. Your new mom should join us, Kurt. Her name is in the song so it makes it more special.”

“I’m sure she’ll love it. Let’s go tell Tina and see if Agent Zizes will allow it.”


	10. A Joyful Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We now pause our story for a short smut break
> 
> Advent Word: Joy  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Santa in the Mall

\----

If it wasn’t for Blaine kissing at the spot on his neck that always made his toes curl and his dick hard, Kurt would swear there was no joy left in the world. The Santa in the mall had been a drunk. There was no telling when he’d be allowed to go back to the mall in hopes that the other guy would be there. And this alternate reality was difficult enough to navigate and he’d only been in it for three days. 

Tina had told him to be prepared for tomorrow’s holiday traditions. What holiday, he didn’t know. What traditions, he couldn’t ask about because despite Not Tina having a binder with a hundred sheets of paper just as color-coded as Real Tina, she wasn’t sharing the secrets contained within it.

All he could do was search his doppelganger's room for clues. When that proved fruitless, he peeked outside his door to make sure the agents had gone on their official coffee break and Meeting of Frowns, and got down to something he did know.

“Kurt, stop rubbing my back and abs. I told you, I don’t have tentacles.”

“I had to check.”

Blaine kissed further down Kurt’s neck and chest. He loved the blackbird tattooed above Kurt’s heart. Kurt had been pissed that the ink was real. Personally, he found it hot. Really hot. “Check my pants. I’m sure there’s something down there you’ll like.”

“Are you sure?”

“A hundred percent sure. As sure as I am that I love what’s in yours. You need to take them off. We both have too many clothes on.”

“Bossy.”

Blaine kissed the smirk off his boyfriend’s lips. “You love it.”

“I love you.”

“Even without tentacles?”

“Even without tentacles.”

“Good. Because I love you too.”


	11. A Room Full of Puppies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the sad
> 
> Advent Word: Kinship  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Charity

\----

“Orphaned puppies, Kurt! It’s a holiday just for orphaned puppies!”

“And also for orphaned kittens and children, Your Highness.”

“Of course.” Blaine tried his best not to laugh at the First Lady’s gentle reminder, but the golden retriever puppy in his lap was licking his face and an equally adorable Australian shepherd - black labrador mix was pawing at his loafer. 

His boyfriend wasn’t faring much better. Kurt could protest all he wanted and swear under his breath that he was just following along with what everyone else was doing, but the smiles and giggles were real. Blaine knew Kurt’s acting smiles. These were as real as the room full of kittens and puppies he was petting as he talked to the children playing with them too. 

The forest green velvet vest fit snugly over Kurt's cobalt blue dress shirt and complimented his deep green Doc Martens and freshly dyed hair. Tina had insisted on the later, saying that if the First Son was set on keeping his “alternative style,” then it was going to be done properly. Elliot, a hairstylist and make-up artist in both worlds, had been called in early to handle the dye job as well as the First Lady's hair and make-up and the rest of the family's grooming requirements. Blaine still preferred Kurt with blue hair, but the entire look was perfection. If it wasn’t for where he was and a whole day of needing to be appropriately princely for the Day of Charity and Kindness, a holiday President Burt Hummel had established, Blaine would have taken Kurt somewhere private. Blowjobs were charitable, right?

Blaine was shaken out of his thoughts by Tina depositing another puppy in his lap. He couldn’t blame her. Staring at his boyfriend was getting him inappropriately bothered. He and Kurt had discussed if it was wrong to lust after each other given that they were in underage bodies. At least Kurt's was. But as they were both really themselves and in their twenties, they decided to just go with it and live out their secret teenage fantasies of dating each other while in high school. 

“Your Highness, perhaps you’d like to read a book to the children along with the First Son?”

Blaine knew that tone. Tina wasn’t asking. She was directing and doing a damn fine job of it as far as he could tell. He took the book he was handed and opened it up. After the children had been arranged around him and Kurt seated “not too close” by his side, he began to read. 

“ _Kinship Means Family_ by Emma Pillsbury." Blaine turned the book around to show the illustrations on the first page to the children, puppies, and kittens before reading the beginning of the story.

"There once was a little brown puppy who was all alone in the world. There was no one to love him and no one to hug him. He didn’t even have a home that he could call his own.” Blaine was glad when Kurt took the book from him and continued the story. He hadn’t even read that far in and was already fighting back tears.

“There once was a very small kitten of blonde and ginger fur. He too felt as if he was all alone in the world with no one to love him and no one to hug him and no family to call his own. Then one day when he was walking down an alley hoping to find something good to eat, he came upon the little brown puppy.

'Hello, Little Puppy. You look as sad as I feel. Are you alone in this big world too?'

'I am,' said the little puppy. ‘I don’t have a family or anyone to love me.’

‘Then surely we are kin,’ replied the kitten. ‘We can make our own kind of family.’”

Blaine lost it then. He couldn’t help the tears flowing down his cheeks any more than he could keep the photographers from taking pictures of him crying. The story was so sad and reminded him of those he’d left behind in the real world, and how grateful he was for having some of his found family with him in this one. Kurt was his family. So were Santana and Brittany in their own ways. He even missed Cooper. 

A puppy that looked just like the one in the book came up to him and licked his hand. A fresh wave of tears welled up inside him as he held her close. One look at his boyfriend and he knew Kurt was fighting tears too. They both wanted to go home.


	12. La La La I Can't Hear You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The embarrassment never ends
> 
> Advent Word: Lecture  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Memories

\----

Kurt considered himself more than a decent actor. He wasn’t brilliant, wasn’t a Hollywood A-lister, but still talented enough to have a semi-steady career. All of that talent meant nothing when confronted by his Alternate Reality Dad, Alternate Reality Step-Mom, and Press Secretary Tina and given a lecture about the inappropriateness of buying condoms and lube at the local drug store. 

The memories of the two sex talks, hetero before he’d come out and then gay when he did, by his real dad had been bad enough. Now he had new mortifying memories of being told that in these political times it was just this side of acceptable for the president’s son to be gay, and barely acceptable for him to have a boyfriend, even if that boyfriend was royalty. What wasn’t acceptable was for the First Son to confirm that he was having sexual relations with said boyfriend.

Kurt was about to let loose his wrath about the hypocrisy of it all, when it got worse.

“Will or one my other aides can purchase the condoms and lubricant for you, Kurt. Write down what you need and I’ll make certain you have some for tonight. Tomorrow at the latest. I just want you and Blaine to be safe in every way, Kiddo.”

Will Schuester was creepy as a director in his world and gave off the same vibe in this one. No way in any of these worlds’ hells was that going to happen. Instead of telling his Not Dad that he’d been having sex since he was sixteen and was twenty three, according to his IMDb page, and didn’t need a lecture on sex nor anyone else buying him the supplies to have it, he kept his mouth shut and left the room.

After finding Blaine looking through photo albums in the living room, he took his boyfriend’s hand and pulled him off the couch. Proper protocol and the Secret Service agents he knew would be following him, be damned. “Come on, we’re going to find Santa Claus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter. I swear there's a plot and an ending. I just didn't want to go too fast in order to get all the words in. The fic will be as long as it needs to be for everything to happen.


	13. Families Are Weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Less angst, more weirdness from my brain regarding the alternate universe. Two days worth of words combined into one longer chapter.
> 
> Advent Words: Maximum, Nest  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompts: Lonely, Ornament

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In order to make NYADA work, I changed the name of this universe’s name for New York City from New Amsterdam-York to New York Amsterdam. I freely admit that my love of the show “New Amsterdam” is showing and was used as a way to make this world a little different.

\--

Kurt stood at the barre in Brittany’s dance studio and studied his alternate reality form in the wall-sized mirror. Oh, to be young and lithe again. Not that he was old or out of shape; he just wasn’t sixteen anymore. Given the imperfections in his form as he went through a couple of dance moves, he was out of practice too. The piercings in his face and green in his hair felt out of place. Elliott had done an amazing job on his hair and the shade of green brought out the blue in his eyes, but he just wasn’t that person any more. At least his doppelganger had a good fashion sense. The charcoal grey cargo pants hugged his ass without being so tight they crushed his nads. Going through a multi-year skinny jeans phase was something he hopped none of his other selves would suffer through. The lightweight, form fitting, tone on tone midnight jersey knit hoodie emphasized his biceps and pecs. At least what muscle existed. Maybe if he took advantage of the exercise room in the Lima Estate House he could work off some of his stress as well as improve his muscle tone. At least it would give him something else to do while stuck in this world.

“You’re a unicorn in this universe too, Kurt. Though you should know that it’s okay to want to be a pegacorn instead.”

“A pegacorn?” Kurt was pretty sure he knew what Brittany meant. It never hurt to ask though.

“A unicorn with wings. You feel trapped here and want to fly back to your own magical nest. Don’t worry, Santa will show us the way. His magic is more powerful than yours or Lord Tubbington’s.”

“Thanks, Brit. Have you found him yet? We can’t keep checking every mall in Ohio. Zizes is getting suspicious and annoyed because it takes more of her agents away from President Dad.”

“Santana and I tried, but there was another fake Santa at the Lima Mall. He said he’d call security if Santana threatened him again.” Brittany hated that she’d let Kurt down. At least she’d been able to tell the elves about their rights. Slavery was not a laughing a matter.

Kurt hugged his friend. Brittany never deserved to be sad. She might claim that he was special, but if anyone had magic or a connection to worlds beyond comprehension, it was her.

“I might be able to help with that.”

Kurt turned towards Blaine and the first sign of hope they’d had all day. “How?”

“I overheard Sam talking about Memory Alpha. At first I thought it was just a Star Trek reference and that in this world he wrote Star Trek fanfic instead of Star Wars. Then I realized he was talking about a search engine. Memory Alpha is Google here.”

“Great. The two of you are just as lame in this world as the last. Next you’re going to tell me he made a Terminator reference too.”

“Well, he did mention Skynet, but I think that might be real.” 

“God help us all. You’ve reached maximum loserness. No wonder Rachel Berry is your sister.” Santana checked her make-up in the large mirror, smiling at the Christmas garland and ornaments Brittany had strung up across it. As weird as this world was, at least they were both still hot.

“Rachel is my what?” Blaine had been told stories about Rachel by Kurt and knew she had successfully made the transition from her long-running show “CHUMS” to Broadway. He’d met her in person only once, having brunch with her and Kurt. She had been a force to be reckoned with and not unlike his brother. 

“I figured out the Memory Alpha thing a couple of days ago. Also, when you’re the boss, you hear everything. Customers are loud and obnoxious. Waitstaff are gossip whores.” Santana turned her back on the hobbit and straighten out her new long-sleeved, red mini dress. It was fun teasing Blaine even if it was for free. When they worked together, she got paid for it and it gave her something to do between takes.

Blaine didn’t know how Kurt could be so patient waiting for Santana to continue. She was dragging it out on purpose. No wonder his boyfriend called her Satan. He couldn’t take the waiting anymore. “And???”

“And she left Finn to marry the King of Canada. As a wedding present, your country agreed to take Ryan Reynolds and put Justin Beiber on a deserted island. They also had to convince the United States to give back Celine Dion.”

“Ryan Reynolds is hot. That was a great present. Or would that be a trade deal? I’m trying to pick up political things this me would know.”

“Kurt!”

“Kurt, what, Blaine? I saw you looking at the porn under my bed. At least this Kurt has good taste, even if there is none of Taylor Lautner. Maybe he doesn’t do partial or full nudity here.” Kurt hadn’t been an innocent and naive baby penguin since he’d slept with Brittany. _Those kinds_ of magazines and videos had made it easier to make out with her at parties too. If the artists had consented to their line of work, he didn’t see a problem with it. Taylor Lautner and Ryan Reynolds making love to him in a dewy meadow or simply naked on his bed with an equally willing Blaine were his new favorite fantasies. 

Fine, Kurt had caught him. That didn’t explain what he really wanted to know. “How is any of this relevant to Rachel Berry being my sister? I’m guessing she was born after Cooper? Is she older than me? Younger?”

“I am not going into all the sordid details of your incestuous, twisted family tree, Moon Boy...”

“I’m not an alien!”

“Your dad had a Mama Mia, porn worthy orgy with Shelby Corcoran…”

“Six time Tony award and four time Grammy winning super star Shelby Corcoran?” Kurt couldn’t help but let out a squeal. If he married Blaine, he would be related to true royalty!

Why was everyone interrupting her? If she hadn’t been so lonely for their company, she would have left then and there. Not that she’d tell them she was. God, she was just as pathetic as they were. “That’s the one. Only here, she’s a washed up wannabe running some lame show choir. Your dad thrust and groped his way with a couple of other dudes and Shelby. Shelby got knocked up with twins, didn’t want either baby because of some lame shit about not wanting to be a royal or maybe your dad was just a total dick and she didn’t want any part of his spunk demons.”

“Ew! Can you stop talking about my dad’s…”

“Penis? Pocket monkey? Wang wanker?”

“Kurt, could you ask your Secret Service detail to kill Santana please? It’s for the public good.”

“Hey, you asked, Elf Prince. Stop interrupting. Your dad spunked out you and Rachel. Then he married Queen Sue Sylvester who adopted you two for reasons I don’t care about. There is no Cooper. Since Rachel is a minute older than you are, she was declared the Crown Princess. And remained so until she ran off last year with Jessie Saint James, King of Maple Syrup, Mounties, and Hallmark movies. That left you being the crown prince of some country no one cares about unless you’re a theatre fan and super gay. Europa is apparently where it’s at, not Broadway. One of the tabloids hopes that you and the First Twink get married and take the New York Amsterdam Dramatic Academy by storm and revive Broadway. ”

There was something familiar and yet off about that. Kurt repeated the name on a loop in his head until he figured it out. “Wait, I got into NYADA?”

“Early admission. You start at the beginning of the year.”

“No wonder my dad and Carole keep saying they’re going to miss me!” He wasn’t going to have to repeat high school. NYADA would be hard enough, but at least it wouldn’t be the hell of McKinley. Fancy prep school or not, he was sure he’d hate it just as much as the original. 

Blaine covered his mouth from the horror he’d been told. “Sue’s my adopted mother? I need a drink.” Or to wake up from the coma dream he was trapped in. Either one would do right now.

Brittany loved her friends, but they were focusing on the wrong things. “Blaine, Santana, Kurt, what we need is to find Santa. No more gossip. If we don’t find him soon, the magic will disappear and we’ll be stuck here forever.”

“Oh, he transferred to a mall in Columbus. It took me two seconds to find him. Even in this stupid world, people share way too much on the internet.”

“Let’s go then!”

Kurt sighed. Of course it couldn’t be something easy like the guy working at a toy shop on Nicholas Lane. “I’ll have to get permission first. If Dad or Tina or Zizes say ‘no,’ you guys go on ahead.”

“We all have to be there, Kurt. The magic won’t work without you.”

“I’ll try, Brit. I promise.”

“I’ll talk to your dad. He likes me and believes in you too.”

“Thank you, Brittany.” Kurt doubted that the President of the United States knew who Brittany, dance teacher in Lima, Ohio was, but it couldn’t hurt to try. His dad was still his dad and both loved this horrible town. Maybe he did know her or at least wouldn’t turn her away immediately because she was his son’s friend.


	14. The Road to the North Pole is Paved with Detours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt has to go to a party. Another 2 days’ worth of words combined into 1 chapter.
> 
> Advent Words: Overwhelm, Part  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompts: Party, Mistletoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was an embarrassing 10 minutes of realizing I'd forgotten to use one of the Advent words. It's all better now. Sorry about that.

\--

Kurt was overwhelmed by the size of the party he, Blaine, and Finn had been required to attend. This wasn’t some homey get together. This was fancy smooshing with Very Important People. People who were politicians, actors, musicians, reporters, and a couple of sports guys his brother wouldn’t shut up about. As First Son of the President of the United States of America he was expected to know who all of these people were and “act accordingly.” His Royal Highness Crown Prince of Europa Blaine was required to play his part as visiting royalty who supported the current administration, and not just the president’s son too. 

He, No Title Kurt Hummel, a B-list actor from an alternate universe, naturally, knew nothing. Nothing that seemed to matter anyway. Resorting to smiling and nodding only got him disappointed looks from Tina and Carole. The damn suit they’d stuffed him into was itchy and pinching him in unfortunate places. Fussing over that earned him a scowl from his father. None of them realized that a bit of tugging at his pants and scratching his chest was better than opening his mouth. Knowing this world, his accidental gestures would be the catalyst for starting another war.

God, he was going to get himself and Blaine arrested or killed before they could meet up with Santana and Brittany at the Columbus Mall. That was his consolation prize for being a good, rebellious-within-reason son. If he played nice, he got the cookie reward of going shopping in the mall tomorrow. Speaking of cookies, there was Santana posing as a cater-waiter. They were so screwed.

“What cookies, Kurt?”

Apparently, he’d said that out loud. “Santana’s here, Blaine.”

“We are so screwed.”

Smirking, Santana held out her tray. The boys were not being as quiet and subtle as they thought they were. “Cookie?” 

“What are you doing here?”

“I got tired of waiting and thought I could learn a few things. Owning your own diner that serves these things has its perks. I’d get you some milk, but I won’t.”

Kurt knew he was taking the bait when he asked, “What did you learn?”

“That everyone loves your dad, especially after the losers that came before him. Law & Order has twenty-six spin-off shows that are all still popular. Seems people tuned into murder after Hallmark got booted to the Great White Boring. There’s hope for all of us. Also, here comes your friend Mercedes now. You’re going to love this.” Santana laughed to herself. Taunting Kurt about his acting career was fun, but this part was going to be awesome. She only wished she’d thought to tape a mini camera to her boobs to record it.

“Kurtsie! How’s my favorite godson?”

Kurt turned towards the familiar voice. Instead of the spry and youthful woman he’d been close friends with since high school was a woman who was old enough to be his grandmother. She’d kept her exquisite fashion sense and beaming smile, which was something he could cling to as real.

Before he could fumble his way through a reply, that would hopefully come close to the way his alternate would, the much aged Mercedes Jones kissed both of his cheeks. “I’ve missed you, my little boo.” 

Not Mercedes curtsied at Blaine before giving him a kiss on the cheek as well. “Your Highness, it’s nice to see you again. I’m glad you and Kurt are together. I always thought you’d make an adorable couple one day. Soulmates from the beginning and so obvious you two might as well have been marked. Put me down for singing at your wedding.”

“It’s lovely to see you again too, Miss Jones. Will you be singing tonight? Hopefully something from that new album I hear you have in the works? I may have caught an illegal sneak peak at _A Woman Needs Her Tots._ It left me intrigued and wanting more.”

Kurt was jealous of his boyfriend. The guy always knew what to say. Blaine also hadn’t fallen asleep during last night’s research. New google was hard to use and Wikipedia had never been created. Kurt knew he needed to know these things, but after the fifth politician that he was never going to remember the name of and not finding anything about the guy Brittany insisted was Santa Claus, he’d fallen down the rabbit hole of looking up Taylor Lautner’s short lived and Ryan Reynolds's illustrious careers. That had turned into making out with Blaine until 3 am with no clothes on, lots of groping, and the need to buy more condoms and lube. Waking up to a sunny, snowy day was enjoyably spent taking advantage of their morning hard ons. Googling boring people had nothing on taking advantage of re-found teenage hormones. Not that his gracefully geriatric friend needed to know that. Before his body could react to the memory of Blaine stroking him through an amazing orgasm right before they left for the party, Kurt forced it from his mind and focused on Mercedes instead. 

“Aren’t you just as adorable and charming as you ever were, Your Highness. You’ll make a wonderful king some day. I plan on singing at your crowning too. Kurt, there’s some mistletoe by the second floor ballroom if you and your beau want to slip away for a few minutes. I remember how hard it was to get some private time as a teenager in love." Mercedes paused in the teasing of her godson, realizing the MC would soon be announcing her. She gave her not such a bad boy godson another hug before making her leave. "Be good you two, I’ll see you later.”

After Mercedes walked away, Santana let out the laugh she’d been holding in. “Come on and grab your security detail. Brits doesn’t want to wait. She says we need to get to the mall tonight before they close, and I know Grumpy Nohawk and Pouty McLips will need some time to secure your baby asses. We’ll ditch them when we get there.”

Kurt knew that was going to get him into trouble, but it was the plan that made the most sense. He grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. He was going to get in trouble for that too, but he was supposed to be a bad boy after all. It would cover for any mistakes he’d made while playing nice to the important people. He was pretty sure he’d insulted the Queen of England. Or maybe she was the prime minister. Court protocol was different here than back home, and even as a huge royal family fan, he hadn’t quite understood the one he did know.

Just as Kurt was about to internally lament his life further, Mercedes took to the ballroom’s small stage and began to sing. Her voice was rich and vibrant as it seeped into his soul. Closing his eyes, he pretended he was home.

When Mercedes’ set was done and the MC had moved on to talking about whatever boringness was on the agenda, Kurt gathered Blaine and Santana closer to him. “Enough delays. We’re finding Santa and hijacking his sleigh.”


	15. Santa Claus at Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt and Brittany meet Santa Claus
> 
> Advent Word: Quarrel  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Holiday Cards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to snarkyhag’s amazing Klaine Advent fic (currently on tumblr) for giving me the idea about the pretzels. Many thanks to those who ran the Fashion of Glee tumblr. It may no longer be active, but it’s still an amazing and invaluable resource. Your hard work is greatly appreciated.

\--

First Kurt discovered that there was no maple syrup and no Alexander McQueen in this messed up, nothing is quite the same as it was, world. Then came the realization that as the president’s son, he finally had money to spend on nice things without having to scour thrift stores and auction sites, and yet couldn’t find a single Marc Jacobs jacket or Vivienne Westwood pin. Kurt was ready to start crying the same as Blaine had upon learning that there was a Brooks Brothers, but the brand was banned by both Europa and the United States. That stupid war with Canada had ruined all of their lives in this world, the same as Hallmark Christmas movies had in the real one.

Kurt stormed out of the latest disappointment of a higher end store, not caring if his friends or the Secret Service agents assigned to him were following. The time for pretenses were over. Or would be once the line to sit on Santa’s lap had gone down. At least there wasn’t one at the pretzel vendor kiosk.

After buying soft and salty pretzels for himself and Santana, soft and sweet with extra icing for Blaine and Brittany, and a few for the agents when they were no longer on duty, Kurt waited in the now shorter line to see Santa Claus. Every time he caught himself tapping his foot with impatience, he remembered that he was in public and smiled to the kids and parents in line. As much as he’d hated the party, he still loved his dad in any universe and didn’t want to face the wrath of Tina in either one as well. 

Finally, it was his and Brittany’s turn. They’d barely sat down upon the mall Santa’s lap when Brittany beamed with radiant joy. “Santa! It’s really you this time!”

“Who else would I be but me, Pumpkin? Tell Santa what you want for Christmas.”

All the words Kurt had planned on rant-whispering to the guy who surely wouldn’t be Brittany’s Santa, again, drained from him. This man he knew and had worked with more times than he could remember. If anyone was going to be the real Santa Claus, Sheldon Beiste would be the perfect and only choice.

“Kurt, Blaine, Santana, and I would like to go home, Santa.”

“Is this what you want for Christmas too, Kurt?”

Despite Sheldon Beiste being the actor who made every Santa in a Hallmark Christmas movie believable as well as one of the kindest people he knew, Kurt still had his doubts. “If you are the real Santa, you’d know the answer to that.” 

“Quarreling with a holiday card will get you nothing but paper cuts and a broken heart. The answer is inside of you if you’re brave enough to let it go.”

The damn tune started flooding his head. Maybe this Santa wasn’t so benevolent after all. His advice sure sounded like the real Beiste at least. Not that he was willing to admit it. Or have a clue as to what it meant. “I refuse to sing that song. It’s overdone on every world I’ve been to. Got anything else?”

“Brittany is bright little pumpkin. She knows that the way home has always been through your magic.”

Kurt rolled his eyes so hard that he started seeing stars. “Should I click my heels three times too?”

“ _The Wizard of Oz_ doesn’t exist here. It was deemed too terrifying. Brittany, your job is to help Kurt do what I told him. Blaine needs to stop being stuck like a farmer in a hog pen. And tell Santana that family isn’t a six letter word. It’s spelled differently here.”

Brittany kissed Santa’s cheek. She and her friends could be happy now. “Thank you, Santa. I knew you’d have the answers.”

“You’re welcome, Sweet Pea. And don’t you go worrying about my elves. I make sure they get a fair wage and dental.”

“Dental is important when you eat that many cookies and hot chocolate.” Brittany had learned that lesson the hard way. She was glad that Santa Claus cared about elfin health care.

Kurt hated to admit it, but unless the mall Santas had gossiped amongst themselves about the President’s son and his odd friends, Sheldon Santa knew a lot of personal things. Still, he couldn’t help the dry tone in his voice. “Anything else?”

“Listen to your heart, Kurt, and remember what I said about quarrels with holiday cards.”

There was no hiding the sigh he let out. It wasn’t the answer he’d wanted to hear at all. “Sure. No problem. Brit, we have to go. Sam, Puck, and Mike need us to leave so the rest of the kids in line can have a turn with Santa.” He turned back to the guy whose lap he was no longer sitting on. “Santa, it’s been fun.”

“Santa doesn’t like it when you lie, Kurt. Don’t be rude.”

“Santa understands that sometimes people are rude when they’re sad and upset. When Kurt doesn’t feel lost anymore, he’ll be happy again.”

“He still needs to say he’s sorry.”

Kurt plastered on a smile to try and hide the heartbreak at hearing the man’s words. They had hit too close to home. “I’m sorry, Santa. Thank you for your help.” 

Taking Brittany’s hand, Kurt lead her away. Now what were they going to do?


	16. You Matter, Kurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burt has a heart to heart with Kurt.
> 
> Advent Word: Reasonable  
> Glee Potluck Big Bang Drabble December Prompt: Making Amends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not what I meant to write, but all the Burt parenting feels started pouring out, so I went with it. I can’t help but love the man. Best dad ever.

\--

“Kurt, I’m trying to be reasonable with you here. I know you feel your obligations to this family are stifling, but I won’t be president forever.”

“The country needs you for another term, Dad.”

“That’s nice of you to say, Bud. Not the point though. I know you secretly wish I was still a mechanic instead of just running the shop as a hobby. Agent Zizes warned you about social media. No account you make will be a secret to her, and one of these days, the wrong person is going to figure out it’s you too. Same for that fan fiction account you have set up. Lauren and Tina wouldn’t have minded if you hadn’t written that one story with the guy on the show you like lamenting about being the President of Iceland’s son. It was a bit too on the nose and obvious that you don’t know much about Iceland.” Burt knew he’d hit on the truth when he saw the look of shock on his son’s face. As much as the kid tried to deflect and swear everything was fine, he was an open book if you knew how to read him.

“Memory Alpha is a terrible search engine.” Kurt had no idea where that had come from, but his unplanned response seemed to be the right one.

“Unfortunately the others aren’t much better. I won’t bore you with the details of the Anti-Monopoly Act. You heard plenty when I signed it into law. I know it had a couple of downsides, but it was better this way, don’t you think?”

“Of course, Dad. I’m sorry about the fanfic. It wasn’t anything personal.”

“Wasn’t it though, Bud?”

Kurt squirmed in his seat. When he had been called into the home library, he’d expected to get chewed out for leaving the party early last night and saying the wrong things to the wrong people. Instead, it was turning out to be far more than that. He didn’t have a clue what blogs or fanfic his alternate universe dad was talking about. Clearly it had upset him and he needed to make amends. “I’m really sorry. The stress gets to me sometimes. I’ll take them down. I promise.”

“Agent Zizes’s team already did. I know McKinley isn’t perfect.” Burt let his son’s snort of disbelief go without comment and continued. “I know it’s not perfect, but you can’t tell me it’s not at least a little better than your old school. If it’s not and you’re still getting pushed around and hurt, you need to tell me or Zizes. The agents are there to protect you, Son.”

“It is better, Dad. I’ll let you know if it gets worse.”

“That’s good. You only have a semester to go before you’ll be living on your own, experiencing a new city. We can get you a new detail if you’d like. Maybe some agents who don’t look like they came out of a government issue catalog?” Burt liked that he could make his son laugh. A lot of times, they didn’t connect, but on the things that mattered, they did.

“My agents are fine. I’m sorry if I got them in trouble.”

“You took them with you, Kurt, so we’ll call that a positive. I can’t say that I like that you left the party without asking. You know that it was important that we show a united family front for the values voters and donors. And I don’t know why you suddenly have this obsession with mall Santas…”

Kurt thought fast. He could actually be a bit truthful this time. “That’s over now. It was just some lame thing. It wasn’t even fun.”

“That’s good to hear.” Burt took off his cap and rubbed his face. This next part he knew his son wasn’t going to like. “I want you to stay around the house for the next couple of days. No going to the mall. No trips into town.”

“You’re grounding me?” Kurt had a feeling it was coming. He couldn’t blame his Not Dad either. He deserved it.

“Grounding in a less overbearing sense then you're probably thinking. I want you to spend some more family time with us. You can still have your new friends, Brittany and Santana, over, and naturally Blaine will be here for the rest of the holiday. Despite what you may have feared, I’m not sending him back to Europa.” The relief on his kid’s face proved that was exactly what he’d feared. “You matter, Kurt. I’m sorry if my working so much made it feel like you didn’t. Tina’s wife brought her car into the shop. Maybe we could take a look at it together just like old times?”

“I’d really like that, Dad.” Kurt couldn’t help but smile at the offer. It had been far too long since he’d done that with his real dad and he had missed it. 

“Good. How about I make you some toast and we can get started afterwards?”

“I’ll go change into a pair of coveralls and let Blaine know.”

“Do you think he’d want to help?”

“I think he’d be fine playing video games with Finn. Is it okay if I want you all to myself?”

“It’s more than okay, Bud.” Burt hugged his son. He loved the kid so damn much. Elizabeth would have been proud at how he’d grown up. Carole was too. None could be prouder than he was. Rough days and all.


End file.
